black butterfly – how would you feel

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How would you feel

if you were in

my position:

I’d like to see how you handled it.

 

People called me out

already, I’ve only known you

a few months.

It’s not what I feel

that bothers me. It’s the fact

that I do feel for you

at all.

I guess this letter

is going to be bitter, because I can’t stand the fact

that you’re with her, when I know I could give you

so much more.

 

I can’t stand the fact

you’d rather be with someone else

than with me, who lives

right next door.

 

I’m bitter because it makes me think

we could have had

each other, we were almost there.

I’m bitter because you’re getting the fairy tale

and it isn’t with me.

 

I wonder why

I feel this way, when you give me so much pain.

You’re scared

You’re shy

You’re insecure and yet

I’m scared

I’m shy

and insecure.

 

Do you remember that time

across the dinner table, you looked

at me.

You held my gaze

for a second longer than necessary. I hold onto the smallest things.

You looked

gorgeous that night, too.

 

I cried over you

and I hate myself

for it.

Great Reads: Grief

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As a person who has been, and continues to be, bereaved, reading books that represent the emotions I’m going through is really important to me. Finding works of literature, songs or even films that put into words exactly how you’re feeling are just priceless, and so these are my top five favourites that deal with the subject of grief.

Please note that these books and further content of this post may contain triggers for grief and bereavement. 

1.

Looking for Alaska by John Green

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Loss: Best Friend / Love Interest 

Miles “Pudge” Halter is abandoning his safe-okay, boring-life. Fascinated by the last words of famous people, Pudge leaves for boarding school to seek what a dying Rabelais called the “Great Perhaps.” Pudge becomes encircled by friends whose lives are everything but safe and boring. Their nucleus is razor-sharp, sexy, and self-destructive Alaska, who has perfected the arts of pranking and evading school rules. Pudge falls impossibly in love. When tragedy strikes the close-knit group, it is only in coming face-to-face with death that Pudge discovers the value of living and loving unconditionally. – from Goodreads.com

This was the first grief related book I ever read and was struck about how honest and raw Pudge’s account of bereavement was. It makes a point of addressing the fact that although Pudge didn’t know Alaska for very long, she still made a huge impact on his life, which really validates those grieving for friends.

2.

The Sky is Everywhere by Jandy Nelson

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Loss: Sister

Lennie Walker spends her time tucked safely and happily in the shadow of her fiery older sister, Bailey. But when Bailey dies abruptly, Lennie is catapulted to centre stage of her own life – and, despite her nonexistent history with boys, suddenly finds herself struggling to balance two. Toby was Bailey’s boyfriend; his grief mirrors Lennie’s own. Joe is the new boy in town, with a nearly magical grin. One boy takes Lennie out of her sorrow, the other comforts her in it. But the two can’t collide without Lennie’s world exploding. – from Goodreads.com

Although there is a lot more to this book than just the death of Bailey, Lennie has a lot that she must accept which is the biggest struggle for her. Lennie must continue with her life without her sister, and paints a very real picture of life after someone passes.

3.

Far From You by Lisa Schroeder

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Loss: Mother

Years have passed since Alice lost her mother to cancer, but time hasn’t quite healed the wound. Alice copes the best she can by writing her music, losing herself in her love for her boyfriend, and distancing herself from her father and his new wife. But when a deadly snowstorm traps Alice with her stepmother and newborn half sister, she’ll face issues she’s been avoiding for too long. As Alice looks to the heavens for guidance, she discovers something wonderful. Perhaps she’s not so alone after all. – from Goodreads.com

Not only is this a book on grief, it’s also written in verse! It also tackles the topic of the afterlife which is something I haven’t really seen done in many novels about grief. It truly is one of a kind. This book also means a lot to me because I lost a parent, just as Alice did, and so it paints a very real picture of life without a parent and having a step-family.

4.

PS I Love You by Cecelia Ahern

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Loss: Husband

Holly couldn’t live without her husband Gerry, until the day she had to. They were the kind of young couple who could finish each other’s sentences. When Gerry succumbs to a terminal illness and dies, 30-year-old Holly is set adrift, unable to pick up the pieces. But with the help of a series of letters her husband left her before he died and a little nudging from an eccentric assortment of family and friends, she learns to laugh, overcome her fears, and discover a world she never knew existed. – from Goodreads.com

 Like some of the previous books in this list, PS I Love You deals with letting go, moving on and accepting the loss. Holly is eased back into life with the help of her husband Gerry who leaves letters for her posthumously.

5.

The Secret Year by Jennifer R. Hubbard

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Loss: Girlfriend

Colt and Julia were secretly together for an entire year, and no one? Not even Julia’s boyfriend knew. They had nothing in common, with Julia in her country club world on Black Mountain and Colt from down on the flats, but it never mattered. Until Julia dies in a car accident, and Colt learns the price of secrecy. He can’t mourn Julia openly, and he’s tormented that he might have played a part in her death. When Julia’s journal ends up in his hands, Colt relives their year together at the same time that he’s desperately trying to forget her. But how do you get over someone who was never yours in the first place? – from Goodreads.com

This novel is similar to Looking for Alaska but presents the story of grieving for a girlfriend/boyfriend in a different way. It tackles the similar themes of Green’s piece too, as well as presenting a death due to accident rather than illness, and puts some mystery around the death too, which makes it even harder for Colt to deal with.

These are my choice picks for books with themes of grief. I hope that people looking to read books that deal with bereavement will find this list helpful. Do you have any to add to the list? Let me know in the comments!

Great Reads: Poets

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I absolutely love reading poetry, and being a poet myself it would be silly not to love them. For me, poetry is as good as reading a short story, as whatever you’re doing, whether you’re snuggled in bed or on the tube to work, there is always time for a poem. Poems are bite sized chunks of emotions, with the ability to make you feel grounded at any time during the day. Below, I’ve listed some of the poets I think are great!

Sylvia Plath

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Sylvia Plath is not only the most famous female poet on the planet, she’s also the most famous poet, period. Born in Boston, MA, she was diagnosed and sort treatment for depression, which inspired her to write her only novel The Bell Jar as well as many poems that were published in the eight anthologies she penned. Her most famous is Ariel that was published after her death by suicide. One of my absolute favourites from her collection is a poem titled Mrs Drake Proceeds to Supper, which you can find in her Selected Poems anthology, edited by her husband Ted Hughes.

Charles Bukowski

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Another poet that struggled with mental health, and alcohol addiction, was Charles Bukowski, who’s dirty realism of life in Los Angeles was captured perfectly in his poems and novels. In 1986, Time Magazine called Bukowski the “laureate of American lowlife”, which seems to perfectly resemble not only Bukowski’s outlook on life but also the tone in which he wrote. In 1962, the love of his life, Jane, died, which resulted in a lot of poetry as a way for Bukowski to cope with the bereavement. Like Plath, Bukowski also wrote an autobiographical novel about his life in the American Postal Service, aptly titled Post Office. One of my favourite poems that Bukowski wrote is a short and simple one titled Dark Night Poem. They say nothing is wasted / either that / or it all is.

ee cummings

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Another Massachusetts born poet is Edward Estlin Cummings, who was better known by his pen name ee cummings, and styled as such in most of his publications. Cummings is known for his unique style, abandoning any structure through favour of fluidity. He also wrote an autobiographical novel in 1922 titled The Enormous Room about his experience of being imprisoned in France during World War I. Throughout his life time, Cummings wrote approximately 3,000 poems most of which were chronicled in anthologies. One of my personal favourites from his collection comes from the selected poems of 1923-1958 anthology which begins “if there are any heavens…”

Carol Ann Duffy

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Moving onto one of the more contemporary poets on the list, we have the current Poet Laureate, Carol Ann Duffy. I first was exposed to Duffy’s writing at school when studying for my GCSEs where I read and loved her poems on Anne Hathaway and Miss Havisham, but many years later I found a second-hand anthology called The Kingfisher Book of Poems about Love where I was blown away by her poem titled Words, Wide Night. Lets just say, there is a reason Duffy is the Laureate of Poetry.

Roald Dahl

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Roald Dahl is the pioneer of children’s literature, having written seventeen books over his lifetime. He also wrote two poetry anthologies for children, one titled Revolting Rhymes, which gave a new spin on original fairy tales like Cinderella and Little Red Riding Hood. The other anthology was called Dirty Beasts, and in true Dahl fashion, made us feel sick to our stomaches in a way only Roald Dahl could achieve.

So there we have it. Here is the top five list of poets I think really are worth reading. Are any of these poets in your favourites list? Or do you have a recommendation for me to get my teeth into? Let me know in the comments!

Preparing for #NaNoWriMo2016

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I never thought I would ever finish my book, let alone have written two before I turned 25. That’s a crazy achievement for me, and it’s all thanks to NaNoWriMo. Four years before I first participated, the thought of doing a month long writing sprint filled me with anxiety. But once I found ways to prepare and manage my idea, I couldn’t believe how easy it was. So here are a few tips and tricks to get you going.

  • Find an idea you’re happy with

Writing your novel won’t be enjoyable unless you genuinely like what you’re writing! If you’re stuck for ideas, or simply want some help to guide you through the writers block, see my blog post on writing a book here.

  • Make an outline

Some people are pants-ers, some people are planners. I am personally a planner, and I feel so much more relaxed when I have an outline of a scene in my head ready to be written. Sometimes I’ll even write the dialogue in script form, just so I can get it down on the page and then convert it to prose later on.

  • Make a schedule

This is coming from a certified planner! However, designating time in your day to sit down and write will help you achieve the 1,667 words you need to win. It could be an hour before you go to work, on your commute, during your lunch break, after work or even before bed. I always find I work better in the late afternoons/evenings, so I always make sure I’m sitting poised and ready to write by then.

  • Enter in your novel

On the NaNoWriMo website, you can start entering in your novel from early October. The sooner you do it, the more committed you will be to the project. You can even upload a book cover as well, so until November comes you can get creative and make something that fully represents the novel you intend to write.

  • Add your friends!

Something that kept me going during the first NaNoWriMo I did was seeing how my friends were progressing throughout the month. Whether it’s a healthy competition or just checking in and talking through ideas, having friends by your side always makes the experience more enjoyable.

Add me to your buddy list here: http://nanowrimo.org/participants/clareholmanhobbs

Are you participating in NaNoWriMo this year? Either add me to the buddy list or let me know down in the comments what you intend on writing this year. Happy writing!

National Novel Writing Month begins on November 1st and continues until November 30th. Each participant aims to write 50,000 words in a month, which averages out at 1,667 words a day. You can find all the information on the project at the website: nanowrimo.org

blue butterfly – homesick

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You are silent.

Ruby lips to stomach,

a curved grin, you disappear

between my thighs.

The clock ticks.

 

We talked, we agreed,

and now I’m homesick

for a place that doesn’t exist.

Take it all, every last bit

that’s fighting,

don’t even look back.

 

 

I want you to see

my bones

that touched you,

that lay next to you.

 

I want to take

that piece of heart

that beats for you,

scrape away the skin

that you touched.

 

I want to cut off

the hair that you entangled your fingers in.

I want to grow a new body

that you have never touched.

 

I want to push out

those feelings I had,

I want to stop remembering

how you looked at me

and the feeling

of skin against skin.

 

I want it to rain

and wash away

every bit of you that is left.

I want it to cleanse me

of your touch,

of the way your mouth brushes

against mine

with your hot slick breath.

 

I want to be sick.

I want to throw this up

and get you out

out of me,

out from inside of me,

out from every part of me

that you held.

 

People will ask,

and I will feel so ashamed.

 

I can still feel you here.

blue butterfly – I saw you

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You were wearing that blazer,

the one we bought together.

I was comforted to know

that there is still a part of me

that lingers with you,

that covers your back

like my hands used to.

 

I did not lose my appetite

like I thought I would.

I did not throw up,

like I had wished to

for so long

to get rid of what was left of you.

 

You sat on a bench,

head bent,

your fringe, wind-swept,

your mind absent.

You did not see me,

but I saw you.

I saw you today.

It was the first time.

blue butterfly – magpie

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My sorrowful Magpie

flies through the fields, you

sewed with apple tree seeds

in our incestual

slumber, we mixed blood

and spunk

inside a mixing bowl, with handles

made from my shattered spine.

I lay on the left side

of my nursing pillow

waiting for your butterfly lashes

to kiss my cheeks.

 

Maybe it’s time to live,

it hurt just as much,

if not more

than all of the other times before,

and I’m sick of all these changes.